Sunthing Special

I have this compulsion to keep moving. I always want to be going somewhere and doing something. I get frustrated because there’s too much to do in this world, and not enough time and money to do it. One thing I’ve never lacked, though, is the desire — that is, until the last few years. I think it’s a combination of getting older and having the responsibility of kids — but some things just don’t appeal as much to me now. And it scares me. I know it’s a natural part of aging – interests change and you’re more aware of risks. But still, I have this fear that I’m going to “run” slower and slower and slower until I stop, and I spend my last days sitting on a bench at the mall, or home alone in an armchair, like the guy in “Up” (before he set his house aloft, of course). I don’t want to be like that — I want to be traveling, and biking, and hiking, and painting, and playing until my last breath. But what if I have no control over this? Then I feel badly for even worrying about this stuff when there are millions of people around the world who would be happy to do anything but can’t because of health problems. But in a way it makes me feel even more strongly that I should do all I can, while I can.

Ever since Labor Day weekend I’ve been in a bit of a funk and I’ve diagnosed myself with a big case of the “end-of-summer blues.” I think beautiful 72 degree, blue sky, slight breeze, sunshiney days make it worse because I feel all this pressure to take advantage of them because I know these days are numbered. I feel like if I don’t have this super-fantastic way to spend the day, it’s a waste, or worse, when I have to spend these picture-perfect days inside, I feel really resentful, like I’m being taunted. What’s worse is that the leaves are changing color, making the beauty of these brilliant red, orange and yellow hues against the blue sky kissed by the golden sun even more bittersweet. It’s hard to enjoy this splendor 100% when you  know the leaves are putting on this show because they’re dying and it won’t be long until the rainbow colors of nature are replaced by six months of brown and gray. Don’t get me wrong, I love living in Northeast Ohio and I love the seasons. It’s just the older I get, the more I realize how fast time goes. The transition of summer into fall reminds me too much of how I’m also entering the fall of my own life and there’s no way I can go back to its summer.